LAKEWOOD, Colo. – Police officers have a tough job, but often have to deal with situations not involving hardened criminals that still leave most of us thinking our day and night jobs aren’t so bad after all.
The Lakewood Police Department on Tuesday put out a roundup of some of its more … interesting ... calls over the past few months (Note: the police reports are quoted verbatim, only replacing certain symbols that signify a suspect with the word "suspect."):
“While waiting for West Metro to arrive due to the suspect’s complaint of breathing problems, the suspect advised me that she needed to pee.
The suspect then pulled down her pants and squatted next to my patrol vehicle and proceeded to urinate on the ground. I advised her immediately as she began doing this that she would be issued a summons if she continued with this action.
She said she was fine with this and continued to urinate as West Metro paramedics arrived on scene. The suspect was issued the citation and transported to St. A’s for further evaluation.”
“Dispatch advised of male pooping in front of liquor store. Upon arrival I observed a pile of feces by railing directly in front of liquor store. This was at a sidewalk/public walking area 10 feet from store entrance
There were also several poop smeared napkins by feces. Employee observed suspect pooping in front of store and was flagged down by several store patrons about the male. Suspect heavily intoxicated, issued trespassing notice.”
“Search warrant for:
One horse, bigger than your average large dog. Has brownish hair all over. Hooves on its feet that go clippity clop. Long [mane] and tail to match. East hay, lots of hay, expensive hay.
The horse’s name is Peacetrain. Kind of a hippy name and probably won’t come when you call it, but it’s a name. It’s the only horse at the place so won’t be hard to find…(the one with the horse in the back.)”
“’Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru my beat, not a motorist was stirring; I was falling asleep.
Then suddenly I heard a gawd-awful roar – a spinning of tires, a throttle was floored!
The defendant came flying, through his cloud of grey smoke, and I hoped I could catch him if my police car don’t choke.
I dialed in warp factor flight and sped out, to catch this bad scofflaw, to stop the big lout.
On Donder, on Blitzen, “Let’s catch this bad speeder.”
My SMT’s are real low, I really do need ‘er.
I shouted with glee as he drew to a halt, and I knew he would say, “It wasn’t my fault.”
12 points for exhibition of speed seemed to stiff.
And it was Christmas Eve, so I gave him this gift: a nine-point reduction on charges was right; Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
“Southbound Newland approaching stop sign at 14th. He rolled stop sign at 5-7 mph and made right without stopping.
Very police. Did say his stomach was upset and he was hurrying to drop off the Browns at the Super Bowl.”
Juvenile caught smoking marijuana:
“Where did this incident/event occur: someone’s apartment.”
“How did this incident/event occur: I came out with them and I started hanging out with them. They invited me to hit it [marijuana] with them. So I did. We came back. Now I’m here because I did married iguanas.”
“Suspect was eastbound on W. Alameda Ave. directly behind me. Suspect almost rear ended me at a rate of speed of about 40 miles per hour. Suspect swerved and went onto the shoulder of the road.
Suspect was eating food from a plate with silverware when I made contact. Suspect said his brakes did not work very well. There were skid marks where suspect swerved and brake approximately 50 yards long.”
“Suspect was observed W. Colfax…behind the Red Coach Inn to have his pants down to his ankles exposing himself. Suspect was observed to be defecating and then wiping himself with napkins. Suspect contacted and stated he had diarrhea from eating pot pies. Suspect issue this summons and arrested on three active Lakewood warrants.”
“I was parked east of the listed intersection, watching for stop sign violations. Suspect was observed driving northbound and did not come to a complete stop for an all-way stop sign.
I attempted to immediately stop suspect, but suspect did not pull over until 20th and Independence. I kept the lights engaged, and toggled the siren and air horn no less than a dozen times.
Suspect said she thought I was testing my siren because I didn’t keep it on. Request for drive exam completed.”
“I was westbound on Colfax in lane one, in the patrol car that must be invisible because suspect didn’t see me right out in front of him in traffic.
Suspect standing at the bus stop in front of the Army’s. Suspect took his Kentucky Deluxe 1/5 of whiskey and poured it into the coffee cup, then threw the now empty bottle.
I got out and looked and I was in a black and white patrol car, not the new invisible to criminal model.
80 proof whiskey.”