Emotional support cow? A dude’s recap of the ‘Bachelor’ season 24 premiere

As an upstanding member of the media, I know no other way beyond full transparency, so I’ll level with you right off the bat. You’re going to have to pardon any typos or incomplete thoughts, as I wrote this recap with my eyeballs firmly rolled to the back of my skull after the three hour innuendo-fest that was ‘The Bachelor’ season 24 premiere.

ABC put its outrageous stamp on this one early, coming right out of the gate with the first person account of the, um, *areas* the esthetician contestant waxes. From there, we hunted down the horse, killed it and then beat it mercilessly with repetitive aviation puns. (For the uninitiated, Bachelor Peter Weber is shamelessly employed as a pilot.)

I mean seriously, we’re six days into 2020 and we’ve more than surpassed our yearly quota of references to Peter’s aspirational life partner as his “co-pilot.”

Another odd tenant of the mutual courtship between Peter and his what-feels-like-87 “eligible bachelorettes” is the exaltation of his ex-girlfriend, former Bachelorette Hannah Brown. No joke, we’re talking *dozens* of head-nods to Hannah and Peter’s intimate escapades… because nothing says love at first sight like festering jealousy.

Speaking of Hannah, a “to be continued” stands between you, me and the answer as to whether or not she is sticking around to sabotage the entire season. So that’s neat!

Let’s recap the action from night one, from the 46 flight attendants to the cringe-worthy windmill stories, with our weekly awards:

The most ‘did she really just do that?’ introduction

Peter’s ladies brought all the classics for their introductions: They swooned, they danced, and, naturally, verbally harassed the man of their dreams with grotesque sexual innuendos.

But this award has to go to Kiarra, who PUT HERSELF INTO A LITERAL SUITCASE and had someone roll her up to the mansion on a luggage cart. It may not scream wife material, but the commitment is… impressive. To make it better, this happened early in the show – a simpler time when I wasn’t mentally and physically exhausted by the airline jokes.

Honorable mention goes to Jenna, who I know nothing about after three hours besides the fact that she brought an “emotional support cow” named Ashley P. for her introduction. The randomness is pure art.

Most likely villain

Kelley is the leader in the clubhouse on this one, with a major assist from Peter and the network. It’s a vintage archetype: The woman who has previously met the Bachelor, garnering anything from envy to downright vitriol from her peers.

Not only did Kelley meet Peter a month before filming began, ABC put them on a group date in which Kelley cheated her way to a sunset plane ride and then wound up at the same hotel where she first met him. Peter then sealed her fate as public enemy No. 1 when he gave her a group date rose and rubbed their “first spark” in the other women’s faces.

Kelley was on a roll.

Least likely to have been class valedictorian

It was with the arrival of the emotional support cow that our girl Tammy earned herself this less-than-glamorous superlative. She rallied the women of the house together to exclaim, “there’s a pony
outside!”

Ugh.

Runner-up here is Savannah, who could find no better articulation of her attraction to Peter than “he looks like a dime 50,” whatever that means.

Pettiest move

Our first “can I steal him for a minute?” came from an inebriated Mykenna, who interrupted Peter’s time with a woman named Natasha by throwing miniature paper airplanes. Natasha caved pretty easily, but then came back mere moments later with a massive, five-foot-long paper airplane, which she set at Mykenna’s feet and told her to fly herself away.

Biggest cliché

This is a tough one, because the very fabric of the Bachelor franchise consists almost solely of clichés. But the first one-on-one date of the season came with a special brand of predictability.

Peter took Madison to his parents’ 31-year wedding vow renewal for their first date – no pressure, right? – and the event predictably ended with Madison catching the bouquet from Peter’s mom… because “we’re getting married next” is the right mindset when it comes to a dude you’ve known for 13 minutes.

Strongest power move

“The Beast is back,” brags Hannah Brown, who has somehow leveraged her tenure as the Bachelorette into prolonged relevance. And she’s certainly back.

She stole the premiere spotlight with a series of shrewd moves, starting with a “surprise” limo arrival to give Peter back a pair of wings he gave her as a contestant on her season. Sentimental reminder of their past love – check.

She shows up again on the second group date of the evening – why in the aytch-ee-double-hockey-sticks were there so many dates this week?! – with an odd but effective flex: Bragging to a group of Peter’s girlfriends about her infamous and intimate stay with him in a Grecian windmill. And just like that, she’s living rent-free in the minds of the other women.

And, to top it all off, with Peter offering a crying shoulder, Hannah weeps, shrugs and southern-drawls her way to maybe – just maybe – getting another chance with her Great White Buffalo.

Standing ovation, Hannah B.

Reaction GIF(s) of the night