When getting ready to decorate one's house or apartment for the holidays, the array of lighting choices can be truly mind-boggling. In the good old days, you plunked down your money, hauled home 50 or 60 strands of big-bulb lights, and encrusted the house pretty much at random. Now, you need an engineering degree just to pick the right lighting scheme. It can get ugly if you don't know your products.

It seems like every year there's a new "hot" lighting product that no self-respecting decorator can be without. I blame Tim Allen. This didn't happen before his sitcom's hilarious episodes centered on the coating of his house with enough lights to blind any passing alien saucers.

Rest easy, gentle reader. I'm here to take you by the hand and lead you through the horror that can be the lighting aisle at your local supermegahugemart. Let's take a look at the major categories, and what they're good for. Then we'll talk safety.

Single-string lights: These come in basically two types: "twinkle" lights and the old-fashioned big-bulb, or C7, lights. There are a mind-boggling array of "shaped" lights, but one look at the prices will convince all but members of the Gates family that buying enough of them to decorate with is a bit too expensive. The twinkle lights are most effective when purchased in a single color, such as white or blue. If you want to run lights through a hedge or around a tree trunk, the multicolored twinkle lights lose their impact.
The opposite is true of the C7 lights. You want these in as many different colors as possible, and spaced much more widely than you would twinkles. They are roughly two or three times as expensive as the twinkles, but you get more bang for your buck.
The big advantage twinkles have comes in the form of that little control box found on some of the upper-end light sets, which allows you to program light patterns guaranteed to prompt seizures in passing motorists. Pop some popcorn and watch the fun.
Icicle lights: Icicles were one of the first "pre-tied" forms of lights for decoration. The main trick with them is not to stretch the wires to their maximum spread.
Say, for instance, that you pick up a set of icicles that the package says runs for 25 feet. Now, that's just ducky, as long as you don't mind having the icicles spread way too far apart. Actually, for truly good lighting effect, you're looking at about 18 to 20 feet of coverage.
Uses? These are probably one of the most over-used lights. Bear in mind that they are supposed to look like icicles, and thus should be hung where you might possibly FIND an icicle. This means that you shouldn't use them around a recessed front door. They really look best along the eaves of a house or, if you live in an apartment, along the base of your upstairs neighbor's balcony. Stick with all-white/clear lights here. You haven't seen a red icicle -- unless you lived near Three Mile Island in the early '80s.
Net (Grid) Lights: When these first came out a couple of years ago, I scoffed at them because they seemed like an overpriced rookie tool. What was wrong with wrapping lights around your own shrubs? Then my wife bought me a set, and I've never looked back.
These are, for anyone who owns landscape shrubs or large trees with wrappable trunks, the greatest innovation since Edison got the patent. They are available in a myriad of sizes and shapes, so choose what fits your need. Last year, I even saw them with the control boxes. If you, like me, are an apartment dweller (downstairs), try putting some hooks in the ceiling of the patio and stringing the nets from the top of the patio fence to the hooks, making an impenetrable "wall of light" around the space. You can stand behind it and taunt those who have less decorating savvy than yourself. It's all part of the holiday spirit.
Orbs, Balls, And Other Shapes: These all have their uses, but don't put them any place where they'll get caught by a lot of wind, or you may find yourself chasing them when they rip loose from their wires and play tumbleweed. Try using them for color accent, like hanging two or three blue ones inside the "wall of light" mentioned above. And, please, no more than one of those "lights inside the Dixie cup" monstrosities per house, OK? Talk about a craft project gone wrong.
Lighted Topiary: Some folks swear by these things, but I've got a moral objection to paying $79 for 10 feet of coat-hanger wire and a $2 strand of lights. Use them in moderation.

Safety Rules

Most of these safety rules should be common sense by now, but I see them bent, broken, and ignored every year. Pay attention, be safe and don't burn down the neighborhood.

Use The Right Cord: Never use a household extension cord for outdoor lights. They're not designed for outdoor use. I know, I know ... the multi-plug ends make them seductive. But spend a few bucks and buy one of the new multi-plug light stakes and you'll be safer and happier with the results.
Leave The Plugs Alone: Those ground plugs are there for a reason. Never cut them off, use 3/2 adapters or otherwise try to defeat them.
Watch The Puddles: When running cords out from your house, be very careful where the connections end up. It may be sunny while you're stringing the lights, but it's going to rain eventually. Don't leave a connection where it's going to end up sitting in a puddle, or you might get a nasty surprise when you plug the lights in.
Don't Get Strung Out: Pay attention to the package instructions concerning how many strings of lights should be strung together. Generally, it's no more than three, sometimes only two. Ignore these warnings and you can find yourself with melted cords, smoldering shrubs or worse.
Check The Listing: Ideally, all your lights would be of the same brand name, but with purchasing from year to year and from different stores, that's just about an impossibility. At the very least, make sure that all strings of lights in your display bear the Underwriter's Laboratories (UL) seal of approval. If just one out of the 20 or 30 strings of lights in your display is unlisted, that doesn't mean it becomes safer by osmosis. You've got a potentially dangerous string of lights, and are risking your house to save a few bucks.

Now, get out there and string those lights! I'll bring the eggnog.