Dear Double Take:I had a girlfriend for eight years. For the final two years, she constantly pressured me to get engaged. I still had doubts about marriage. I was in the relationship and was staying there, though. She knew I loved her and was committed, but she always threatened to break up with me and did leave but came back a few times. She did crazy things, such as giving ultimatums, breaking up after a good weekends together because I didn't propose, locking me out, not taking my calls, holding off on affection and kicking me out of the house.I couldn't think straight anymore.She eventually went on to have a relationship with someone while we were technically still together, even though she said we were on break because I wasn't proposing in her time frame.Is this normal or some kind of emotional blackmail? Who was wrong in this? I just need answers to move on.
EDDIE SAYS:When a woman writes to us saying, "I have a great boyfriend, but getting married is very important to me and he won't do it," I often advise her to do exactly what your woman did.
She asked herself if she was willing to continue on long-term without a ring. Her answer was no. The only fair thing to do was tell you the choices were marriage with her or getting along with your lives separately.
The caveat I always give to those writers, however, is that they have to be prepared to accept the risk of rejection and break things off if the answer isn't what they hope for.
It sounds like she had a bit of a trouble sticking to that, hoping you would decide that making that official commitment was more important than whatever was keeping you from taking the plunge. When it became clear that you wouldn't walk down the aisle, she finally walked away.
That's not blackmail. That's choosing what she wanted from life and leaving behind something that wouldn't get her there.
(And, as fans of the TV show "Friends" know, the debate remains open on whether "We were on a break!" excuses you. I say it does.)
ALANA SAYS:As long as you were clear about your feelings about marriage, you weren't doing anything wrong. If, however, you didn't discuss it and led her to believe you might be convinced to exchange vows, you were just asking for her craziness.
Her emotional reactions weren't really wrong, either, except that it took a while for her to realize that her need for marriage and your hesitance made for an irreconcilable situation.
As to whether she was wrong to get together with another guy while you were "on a break," I'd say it's a pretty low thing to do -- and if she were to ever want to get back together with you, it would be pretty tough to overcome something like that. (Just look at how long it took Rachel to forgive Ross.)
But since it seems that you two have definitively gone your separate ways, it probably isn't worth dwelling on whether she was evil for moving on before you were officially broken up.
In your next relationship, be clear from the start that you're on the fence about the idea of marriage, and make sure your next lady friend is really OK with that.
Dear Double Take, I have been dating my boyfriend for a little more than two years. We met online, when he was about to be shipped out with his unit. I thought that after my separation and divorce, I was ready to move on. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He was leaving, which would still give us both time to grow.But something went wrong, and he didn't go with his unit. Since then, it has been trouble in paradise for us. We used to be so close. People called us the "sickeningly cute couple." He used to tell me I was beautiful and sexy. Now, he just doesn't say anything.Lately, I feel as if I was lied to. He isn't the person he portrayed himself to be. His goofiness that I found so cute before now bugs me. He seems immature, airheaded and without direction. I gave up my own apartment and moved in with him. Now, I just feel like I am back in the same old situation again -- trapped.I have three kids from my previous marriage, and they live with their father most of the time. We have a shared-parenting agreement so I can focus on earning my technical degree. But I have no means to support myself, and no family or friends willing to help me out.I don't know what to do. I did everything to show him who I really was while we were dating. Didn't keep anything from him. I have been trying for months to get him to give into my needs. He does, for a short while, until he believes that everything is OK again. Then it is back to the same old guy. He really is a nice guy, so how do I fix this without hurting him?
ALANA SAYS:It sounds like you're not in much of a position to complain about your situation. Relationships often get over that "sickeningly cute" stage and settle into something a little less touchy-feely. But it sounds like you're the one unsatisfied with the current arrangement -- even though your boyfriend is the one supporting you.
It's fine -- even commendable -- that you don't want to settle for a relationship with which you aren't happy. But you've been in this thing for a while now. Even if your boyfriend did misrepresent himself at the beginning, you've gotten to know the "real him" pretty well.
The bottom line is: You aren't going to change the guy. You either need to accept him as he is to save your relationship or call it quits and find someone else to support you until you're out of school.
EDDIE SAYS:Alana's right about your current situation and what choices you have (though you could also put off school and work instead for a bit if things are so bad you don't want to try anymore).
So I'll take a moment to defend this guy, who sounds like a decent enough guy, if perhaps not the most thoughtful.
Yes, he was more attentive at the start. While I'm sure you were open about your feelings and history, that doesn't mean you were clipping your toenails in front of him after that first romantic night.
Everyone displays their best behavior early on. It's not a lie, it's just trying to impress, something that can't be kept up forever. To label it such is like the dumped person who reminds an ex, "You promised to love me forever." We can make promises about actions, but feelings are harder to wrangle into what we want.
It sounds to me like he does try to make things better when you point them out. I'm not saying you should settle for something that will never be enough, but give him credit for trying, rather than saying that he deceived you.
