Dear Double Take,
I need some advice on a mother-in-law issue.
My husband is a self-proclaimed mama's boy. At 35, his mother still takes him on a yearly shopping trip for clothes and shoes, even though we can afford to buy our own. She also picks up stuff for us at the local discount warehouse on a regular basis. A few weeks ago, she tried to come over to our house without calling us first. She threw a fit when we did not answer the door in a timely manner, and a huge argument ensued between her and my husband.
Recently, when my husband was sick, she asked if I needed anything or if she could help. I told her, "No, thank you. I have it covered."
She showed up, unannounced, an hour later with soup, medicine, etc. During that visit, she announced that she was going to start coming over more. Shouldn't she ask us if she can come over more?
She is a really nice person and I do love her, but her actions sometimes make me feel like I am not an adequate wife and mother. How do I politely tell her to back off a little?

EDDIE SAYS:

Married couple that agrees there's a problem? Check.

Husband standing up for himself? Check.

Woman who you generally like, but need to modify slightly? Check.

Really, you're in a pretty good shape. You've got the right idea, the right attitude and even the right tool. You tell her that you love her and want her around, but that you also need some privacy so that you don't get frustrated with her down the road.

It's more gentle to make it sound like there's not really a problem now. It also means that she won't be able to instantly change her behavior. But that's normal.

Talk about this before it gets worse and all you can do is scream.

And, as a compromise, let them have their shopping trips. Whatever you don't spend on clothes for him, you can use for yourself.

ALANA SAYS:

Although Eddie took it for granted that you and your husband are on the same page with this, I'm not quite as sure. Yes, there was an argument, but are the two of you in agreement that his mother is a little too invasive?

I imagine you've discussed it -- and if not, now's the time. If you are in agreement, he's probably the one to have the talk with his mother. If you do it, there's a chance she'll feel like you're coming between the two of them.

If you and your husband aren't in agreement ... well, that makes it much tougher. I certainly wouldn't advise telling your mother-in-law to back off if your husband isn't on board; then you might really be coming between them.

In the meantime, do your best to see her smaller gestures -- such as picking stuff up for you at the discount store -- as motherly kindnesses. You don't have to embrace everything she offers, but keep in mind that this is one of her ways of expressing her love.

Dear Double Take,
I've known a guy at work for almost five years who has never married or really ever dated. He still lives at home with his elderly mom, although he has another home nearby that he has never lived in.
I know he's had a crush on me for years, just by the way he likes to sit near me, brings me little gifts every now and then, etc. I've liked him too, even though I was married until last year and couldn't do anything about it.
When my divorce became final, he was so excited he started asking my co-workers if I was seeing anyone. By that time, he had been transferred to another town nearby, and I came to work in his area soon after for a temporary time. He immediately asked if I'd join him for lunch, and we ended up going to lunch four times over that three-week period. We seemed to really click, and he made excuses to walk by and wave to me in my office many times a day. Co-workers even began teasing me about his crush.
But on the final day I worked there, he ignored me and hardly said goodbye. I tried e-mailing him and asking what was wrong. I even told him I liked him, but that I wasn't chasing him and hoped he hadn't been offended by anything I did.
That was three months ago, and I still don't know what happened. Do you think I scared him off somehow, or was the whole relationship thing too much for him?

ALANA SAYS:

If you did something to prompt this guy to go from hot to cold toward you, I think you'd have at least some idea as to what it was.

But since you can't think of anything you did that might have been scary and/or offensive, my guess is the problem is on his end. He probably felt you two click, too -- and perhaps didn't know where to go from there.

Or maybe he has some self-esteem issues and thinks you'd never seriously be interested in him, so he's trying to save himself some pain.

Of course, I'm just guessing here. If I were you, I'd try to get the scoop from someone close to him at work -- if there is anyone. Otherwise, if you want to regain a relationship with this guy, keep offering your friendliness. Invite him to go out when he's in the area, and keep trying to e-mail him.

However, I'd stop confronting him via e-mail about his feelings; just let him know you're still interested -- at least in his friendship. And if he doesn't respond to your friendly gestures after a few tries, respect his decision and leave him alone.

EDDIE SAYS:

There's nothing inherently wrong about a guy old enough to be on his own living with his mom and having avoided relationships.

It lies outside the norm, though. You should also expect, then, that his responses to things that might turn romantic would be hinky.

I have to guess that he got frustrated that things in the real world don't work exactly as he envisioned, or he just didn't know how to deal with you leaving. Maybe those are related. Maybe his fantasy was that you would announce that you could never return home again, and you couldn't wait to move into his house.

Or maybe he worried he would make a big scene if he tried to say goodbye to you.

Either way, it does sound like he wants something, but doesn't really know how it works. If you think he's worth it -- and you understand that he's going to need a bit of schooling in the ways of the real world -- try again. See if he wants to set up a visit, and take it from there.

That training thing might not be so bad: You can teach him your expectations, without so much worry about bad habits other women gave him.