Dear Double Take,My boyfriend and I recently became proud homeowners, but there has been one downfall -- our neighbor.When I first met her, she came over and introduced herself and her husband. She seemed nice enough, but I knew right away we wouldn't click as friends.Since then, on numerous occasions, she has come over unannounced, invited herself in our home and does not know when to leave. I enjoy meeting new people, but this woman can only be handled in very small doses.She has tried to invite my boyfriend and I over to her house several times, but I've always found an excuse. I don't want to cause tension, but would like to tell her to kindly leave us alone. Any ideas?
EDDIE SAYS:Whether there's a hedge, a fence or just a line that you could find on an assessor's map, there's something between your home and your neighbor's -- a boundary.
While I'm sure she wouldn't do landscaping on your side of that line, she doesn't grasp the difference in the way the two of you see personal boundaries. (Though the yard-work thing wouldn't be so bad; my neighbor often edges the front of my lawn just to be helpful.)
It sounds as if you've been trying to be subtle about creating a little more breathing room, which was the right thing to try. But she doesn't get hints. A lot of people don't, especially when they're trying to be kind.
You just have to toe the line and be a bit more direct. "Susan, I'm really glad we have such friendly neighbors. But we prefer just a tad more privacy. If you could give me a quick call before you come over, I'd really appreciate it."
Don't apologize, and make it seem like it's something to keep both of you happier.
ALANA SAYS: The direct route may indeed be your only recourse, but when you're confronting her, remember: You
do have to live next door to her, so don't say anything she might take the wrong way.
Before laying down the law, I'd first try to lead by example. Take your neighbor up on her invitation to stop by, but stay only briefly -- and make sure to work in something like: "I don't want to overstay my welcome -- or keep you from (whatever she's doing)."
And if she invites you back again, tell her you'll call before coming over. At that point, it might be appropriate to return the invitation and ask her to call before coming.
Whatever course you take, handle this carefully. After all, I'd wager that a nosy neighbor is better than an angry neighbor.
Dear Double Take,My husband and I have been together five years, but we just got married in May 2005. I do everything when it comes to paying the bills and cleaning the house without any help from him -- except that he gives me his paycheck at the end of the week. He said that it is what I am supposed to do as a wife.I am totally fed up, and I don't know what to do. I don't want him touching me, and I get easily annoyed with him. When I try to talk about these things, he replies that he doesn't want to hear about stupid things.I feel there is no respect on his part when it comes to me -- especially for my feelings. As for counseling, that's a joke to him. I try to spend time with him fishing or whatever it may be that he wants to do. I do get angry when he tells me that he will be doing something or going somewhere whether I like it or not. That feels like a slap in the face as his wife.Is it time to hang it up and move on or keep trying? I do love him, but one person can only take so much. How can I get the respect I deserve?
ALANA SAYS:Well, something has to change -- that's for sure.
I have to say, though, that if you've been with this guy for five years, how could you not have noticed this kind of disrespect before you got married? My only guess is that you were either "blinded by love" to this rather large fault, or else you thought things would change after you tied the knot.
Whatever the case, I don't think your husband knows how fed up you really are, and I don't think he's going to listen until you do something to prove you're serious. Maybe you quit cleaning -- tell him it's his turn. Live in the mess as long as it takes for him to pitch in. Maybe you start going out with your friends without getting his OK first.
Bear in mind that these tactics are not a solution to your problem. But they might get his attention and open him up to some discussion.
Whatever you do, keep trying to talk to him about your anger. And if you tell him it's impeding your intimacy, he might listen up.
If things don't improve, you might consider an ultimatum: marriage counseling or a separation -- and then follow through.
EDDIE SAYS:Tallying up the who does what around a house is always going to leave people feeling badly. Everyone thinks the things they do contribute the most or are the most burdensome.
But maybe he looks that way at things he performs on his own, perhaps some stereotypically male tasks such as taking care of the cars or mowing the lawn.
I am not, not, NOT defending the way he's treating you, and I share Alana's mystification that these things either cropped up after things were officially state-sanctioned or that you ignored them before. But it may be that both of you are frustrated with the way chores are handled.
Since talking hasn't worked so far, try writing a letter laying out the things that you appreciate that he does, but be clear that you need some more help and -- perhaps most importantly -- he needs to work on his attitude if he wants things to work out and be happy.
Your marriage is still young, and you're both trying to determine your roles. Make sure you both realize that nothing is set in stone yet.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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