Dear Double Take:
I often go into a chat room that my ex-boyfriend uses. He is constantly making mean remarks about me and he openly flirts with a particular girl.
When we were dating, we kept our relationship offline out of the chat room, so this blatant display of his is upsetting to me. I have heard that when I am not in the room he does not flirt with her, so I am assuming it is all for my benefit.
Does he want a reaction from me? Does he want me to try to talk to him? What explains his behavior?
Some say that he must still care for me if he is constantly talking about me even when I am not in the room.

EDDIE SAYS:

Whenever a couple breaks up, there can be tension about who gets what territory and possessions, and who will maintain things with various sets of friends. It's not that it has to be who is right and who is wrong, but if the former couple can't get along, people find ways to avoid the tension.

Notably, the principles (that's the exes) usually find ways to avoid each other if it still hurts. Stop going to certain places in the real world, avoid situations that cause the pain to flare up.

In this case, it's a virtual place. Now, I'm sure that you also have friends and a history in that chat room. So you still want to go there. In that case, you have to just get over your jealousy. You're right that he shouldn't bad-mouth you, but you need to be bigger than that and ignore it. As for the flirting ... he's a free man, and can pursue whomever he wants.

If he really is doing it just for attention, ignoring it will frustrate him to no end. Either way, that's the most satisfying result for you.

ALANA SAYS:

You're definitely still on your ex's mind. Explaining his behavior really isn't important -- unless you're interested in getting back together. What's most important is how you react.

If you just want to get on with your life, Eddie has laid out your course of action: Rise above. But if you're considering reconciling the relationship, this is a hint that your ex may very well still be hung up on you.

However, a guy who bad-mouths you probably isn't the best boyfriend choice. Even if you're convinced he'd stop if you got back together, this situation shows an ugly, immature side of him that just goes to show you're better off without him.

Dear Double Take,
I am a divorced, single mom with a 9-year-old daughter. After searching for a new wife for almost four years, my ex recently married a lady with two younger children of her own after about three months of dating.
The week they returned after their wedding (to which neither our daughter nor other family members were invited) and honeymoon in Las Vegas, my ex told my daughter that she should call her step mom "mom" now. Her dad told her the only reason he married was because he thought our daughter needed a "mom" at his house. He is a registered nurse and works a lot of overtime and weekends (even more now that he has a wife and two more kids to support).
The new mom has changed from being friendly to not even allowing me through the front door when I pick up my daughter, giving me the cold shoulder at every opportunity and intentionally being more than an hour late to pick up my daughter without the courtesy of a phone call or explanation.
My ex and I are (or where) on very amicable terms, and I was totally supportive of his decision to marry, but he says he is between a rock and a hard place when he tries to keep both me and his new wife happy with certain decisions.
I have to explain to my daughter why I am her mom and that she does not need another mom, but at the same time show support that for the younger new sister and brother's sake, she can call her stepmom "mom" if she feels comfortable -- but at their house only.
The stepmom and her dad have since made it clear that they now have a "perfect" family and have hinted around to trying for more custody, which I will fight with everything I have. I fear they are feeding my daughter more lies about how they are now a family and that they are so much more capable of taking care of her.
I guess my reason for writing is to tell the world that even though some women make the decision to become a single mom, don't treat them like a leper. Also, if you marry a previously married man or woman with children, keep the connection with the other partner for the kids' sake.

ALANA SAYS:

That's great advice for your ex, but maybe there's also something you can do to make the best of a bad situation.

Your ex and his new wife aren't the only ones displaying animosity. Giving your daughter rules about when and where she can call her new stepmom "mom" demonstrates your displeasure with her stepmom and contradicts what her dad has said.

That's not to say you have to embrace your ex's new wife and their requests, but giving your daughter mixed messages will just lead to more confusion. Tell her to do what she's comfortable doing -- period.

And be as patient as you can with your ex's new wife's behavior. She probably just feels threatened by you and her new husband's "amicable" relationship and is trying to carve our her role with your daughter. That doesn't mean you should remain silent when she shows up late, but keep your tone constructive -- not angry or bitter.

Remember: Your daughter is paying attention to your interactions with her dad and stepmom. Be the bigger person.

EDDIE SAYS:

No matter who you are or what you do in this life, people are going to annoy you. Some will just be in your way by coincidence, some will want the things you want and some will make your life hard just to be jerks -- or at least it seems that way sometimes.

The truth is that most of the time people are just bumbling through life and are incidentally creating obstacles for you as they try to keep themselves going.

Unless you have the power to eliminate someone from your life, it's almost always to your advantage to rise above it. As I said before, it will drive your nemesis bonkers when they don't get the expected reaction. You can take smug satisfaction in that if you want, or you can just reap the benefits of addition by subtraction -- you'll have more joy by not worrying about the petty slights and games.

And overall happiness like that is, in the end, the bigger contest.

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.

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