Dear DoubleTake,
I have been dating a young lady for about two-and-a-half years. She keeps asking me to move in with her and her two boys. I have one daughter.
I am really not ready to move in because of what I have been through in the past. I'm not saying she will be the same as my previous partner, but I want to take it a step slower.
I stay with her two nights a week -- three, tops. But since I won't move in, she doesn't want me around her kids.
When is the right time to move in? Right now, my parents need help, so my focus is helping them and my daughter.

BETTY SAYS:

The right time to move in is when you're ready. Being up-front and honest with her is the only way you'll be secure with your feelings on the matter.

Just don't be surprised if she breaks it off with you. Dating for more than two years is enough time to start talking about moving in together, so she's angry that you're not on board with the idea.

It's good that you're taking the time to decide what's right for your children. But since you're taking it slow, make your intentions clear to her.

Considering she's not your main focus, she may decide that she wants to date someone else.

EDDIE SAYS:

In some ways, this relationship models everything an interaction should. You didn't rush into anything, you both know what you want and can honestly talk about it.

A good foundation, yes, but you still sometimes end up in a situation where someone is forced to make a decision.

That's where you are, and it's a tricky calculation. Could you do right by her and all the kids and yourself at this point? Is any current sacrafice of your time and freedom worth it for what you expect to get from her -- which I presume is love and stability.

We can't really help you figure that out, not knowing her or you.

But it sounds like you don't think moving in with her is the right thing to do. And it doesn't sound like ambivalence or uncertainty. You don't want to.

If that's the case, don't. You'll just end up making things miserable for everyone involved.

Disagree With Double Take? Offer Your Own Advice

Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Betty offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.

Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
More Advice ...