Dear DoubleTake,
I have been divorced once and widowed twice. I have been married to my fourth husband for 3-and-a-half years. But he has lived with his daughter for the past two years.
We grew up on the same block and had been interested in one another since I was 8 and he was 11. I had no idea when we married that he was schizophrenic and incapable of speaking the truth on any topic.
We remain married so I can be listed on his health insurance, as I have a chronic illness.
He believes himself to be a prophet of God but lives a judgmental and mean-spirited life. I have worked hard to remain civil and kind to this man, however it has become too much with which to deal now.
Is it unkind to want to divorce a man with such serious mental issues?

BETTY SAYS:

If you think you're not equipped to take care of someone who has schizophrenia, it's in both of your best interests to find someone who can. Being married to someone who has mental illness goes beyond the norms of a routine relationship; unless you are willing to wake up at odd hours of the night if he has an episode, monitor his medication and remind him that his mind is playing tricks on him, you're not the right person for him.

Don't feel guilty about wanting to leave your husband, even though he's ill. You didn't know the truth about his health until after you were married. Had you been aware of his diagnosis, perhaps you could have prepared better and things could have turned out differently.

Your next step is finding a caretaker for him so you can move on. Talk to his daughter about the situation and get her advice, as she may be the person who should watch over him. She may be get upset at you for not working harder to keep the marriage going, but you should be honest about your feelings, without speaking poorly of her father or his illness.

If you start to get off track, bring the conversation back to the crux of the problem: You cant provide the type of care he needs and your own life is suffering.

You may feel tempted to stall divorce proceedings so you can stay on his insurance plan, but that's a cruel way to stay connected to him without providing any emotional support. When you leave, cut the ties for good so that there's no confusion.

EDDIE SAYS:

When you first said he has schizophrenia, I thought, "Oh, someone casually tossing out clinical terms they don't really understand when someone doesn't act how they want." But that talks-to-God bit makes me think he really has a diagnosis.

Though, a lot of the actual prophets in scripture were pretty judgmental, so don't take that as a sign that he's faking.

As for your real question -- I don't think he or his daughter will think less of you for leaving the marriage. You have been living apart longer than you were together and are clear about the business-like aspects of your arrangement. Nobody thinks it's what many call a "real" marriage, so I doubt anyone who knows the real deal will think you abandoned him.

If he needed your insurance to get treatment, that might seem extra harsh to people. But by leaving, you may even be saving him money.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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