My husband is having an affair. His mistress is skinny, dirty and bad for his health.

Jack has been smoking cigarettes behind my back for months. A former full-time smoker, he is still trying to fend off that nasty nicotine addiction. And I'm trying to find a way to help him stop puffing for good.

When we met as coworkers he was a smoker, but I never knew it. I even met up with him in a bar once with a group of friends, and he later told me he hid his cigarette next to his leg so I couldn't see it. Shortly before we started dating, he quit the nasty habit after 12 years of smoke-filled days. A huge accomplishment!

So why did he have to backslide now, when we have three young children who need a healthy father?

To be fair, he never smokes in front of them or me. They are not exposed to secondhand smoke but I worry about him sucking it in firsthand.

This isn't the first time I discovered he was smoking. Soon after the twins were born, I stepped outside and caught a glimpse of him tossing a butt into the night air. I was surprised and disappointed. He explained that it was the stress of our new arrivals that led him back to those cancer sticks. I was beyond stressed out as well, but I didn't smoke anything to alleviate it all. So why did he?

A few years later, the burden of a new house and bigger mortgage was compounded by a promised family gift of money that disappeared. So life got really hairy, and Little Miss Cigarette came calling.

I noticed ash in his car and how he would come home from work smelling like smoke, which he conveniently pinned on his co-worker.

I am not a narc. I don't smoke, but I have always known and loved people who do. I just find it disgusting and know it's bad for you, and that means the man I love.

So what can I do to help him when all I hear are excuses and justifications? "I don't smoke that often." "It's my business." "I never smoke around the kids." "I'm going to quit."

I admit that I am often unfair in my expectations of him. I want to say, "Suck it up and just quit." But I know that it's not that easy to stop this addictive habit. Yet I also wonder how he was able to stop for years before. Apparently, that itch to smoke never goes away.

So really, it's on him to stop. I have made my case: It's bad for him, it's not fair to the children and it grosses me out. I hesitated to write about it because his smoking is his secret from more than just me. His family has never known him to smoke, and he doesn't want them to.

I think the fact that he hides it is reason enough for him to stop. But it's not my habit. I offer to exercise with him or watch the kids so he can get a healthy stress release. He's not interested.

Sometimes, I get tired of fighting about it and accept that it's not the end of the world. He's not chain smoking or throwing away thousands of dollars a year on smokes. But at the same time, I just want him to stop. I want him to do what he has to do to beat it and walk away from that nasty choice.

Because as much as it is an addiction, smoking cigarettes is also a choice that he has to make every time he does it. I'm sure it's harder to choose not to smoke, but I'm willing to support him if he'll allow me.

Nagging doesn't help, nor does pointing out the obvious that cigarettes are not worth those few moments of relaxation. Until he decides he's had enough puffs, I will now choose to keep my mouth shut. I just hope he makes the same choice the next time a nasty cigarette comes his way.

Laura Lewis Brown is the mother of twins and a newborn infant. Her column appears every other Thursday.