Life has been stressful for my marriage lately. Jack and I have three children in diapers, a new house and a major lack of sleep.

When things get tough for him at work and for me at home, sparks fly -- not in a romantic way. Even though I recognize that the fighting is often caused by stress, I can't help but put up my dukes and go at it.

I don't like to fight, yet I always hear myself arguing bcck. It often starts with the kids destroying the house, or Jack arriving home 20 minutes later than I expected. That's all I need to feel combative.

Instead of explaining this to him, I am short with him. I'm just worn out and I don't see him as a support but rather another layer of annoyance.

Jack, on the other hand, may have just had a run-in with a crappy coworker and launches into me about how the house is a mess. He's not looking to communicate, and neither am I. At times it feels like we are at the end of our ropes, and I wonder why we don't just go to our respective corners and take a nap.

Comedienne Phyllis Diller once said, "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." This may be a joke, but it's actually not a bad idea. If only we knew how to fight well.

In my six years of marriage and 33 years of fighting with family, friends and boyfriends, I have learned some strategies to strive for, even if I never come close to executing them.

I'm a competitive person. When you put me in a battle, athletic or emotional, I want to win. But in marriage winning could be damaging to the relationship. Plus, what would I be winning, and how would I know if I even attained the title?

If he backed down, that wouldn't be a victory. That only comes in the form of understanding. But fights don't often lead to understanding, at least not in the moment. It takes a while for the heat to cool, and one or both of us to start to understand and think, "She's tired. She feels frustrated with the kids. She is worried about money."

We're on the same team. When Jack and I fight it's often about what one person is doing and the other is not.

"I'm paying for everything," he tells me in moments of desperation.

"You would have no clean clothes or food to eat without me," I say.

We try so hard to hold on to what we contribute to the relationship, to our roles as parents, that it often becomes less about "us" and more about "you" versus "me."

But it's about us, not them. Along with focusing on the two of us as a unit, it's important to leave our families out of it. In recent months, a falling out with his mom has left Jack beaten up inside. As much as it saddens me and makes me want to help, I find that if I offer too much insight he feels defensive. The same is true if he dares to criticize or even comment on my family members.

I also need to stay in the moment. If we're fighting about how he does or doesn't want to spend his holiday time, it would be tempting -- but wrong -- of me to bring up how I'm upset about the wedding he complained about attending. It would also be unfair of him to bring up how I always get what I want. The issue at hand is what matters.

We also need to recognize when it's the wrong time for a battle. Sometimes it's best to step aside and let the steaming husband or disgruntled wife have a moment to vent.

Just because I understand these rules to good fighting doesn't mean I abide by them. But it's important to have goals to work toward, even when it comes to nasty business.

For better or worse, my husband and I are fighters. We are not a, "It's OK that you totaled the car, sweetie"-type couple, nor do we let go easily of past hurts and ongoing stress.

But we both accept that fights will not break us. They are a necessary evil of devoting our lives to each other. It would be naive to think marriage is a romantic comedy, and it wouldn't be a true love story without the downs mixed in with the ups.

Does it really matter that I took out the trash two times in a row or that he changed the last three poopy diapers? What matters is that we have each other to fight through marriage together.

Laura Lewis Brown is the mother of twins and a newborn infant. Her column appears every other Thursday.