Dear DoubleTake,
Thirteen years ago, I was involved with a guy off-and-on for about a year. I was serious about him. He cheated on me with a woman he later had a daughter with. They were together for nine years.
He and I ran into each other eight months ago, and he said everything I wanted to hear -- how he had grown up and a lot had changed. We have been dating since. Last Wednesday, I called him as I do every night. Another woman texted me back saying he was asleep and for me to stop calling him.
He denied anything and refused to discuss it with me.
I investigated and found out who she is and where she works and confronted him. I said if he didn't tell me what happened, I would go to her job every day until I met her and introduced myself.
He called her over that Saturday night and put it out on the table, simply saying he met her, he slept with her and either I could accept it or not. She had absolutely no reaction and acted as if it was an incovenience to be there. She said she knew of me.
He now says we can move on, as long as we don't have to discuss anything about what happened.
I love him. I have loved him for more than a decade. I don't desire any other man. I also can't take the pain of him cheating again.
What is your advice? I know I probably sound like a very weak woman, however. I believe that you must fight for what you believe in sometimes, and I believe in us. Should I continue going through these changes and hope I get a good man out of him someday? Or go through the pain of defeat and be alone and miserable?

BETTY SAYS:

A friend of mine who got her heart broken twice by different boyfriends who fooled around talked about wanting to create "cheater's jail." In other words, felons can be put away and rehabilitated for crimes in society, but those who cheat on their loved ones seem to keep offending over and over without any real consequences or lessons learned.

Who knows how long he’s been in this pattern? He cheats, he apologizes, he believes the mess has been cleaned up and he moves on. And if you fool yourself into thinking that he'll break that structure for your benefit, then it’ll be another setback when he cheats on you again.

There are cheaters who have turned their lives around, but this guy sounds like a repeat offender. Please take into consideration that he has deeper issues that cause him to sabotage relationships and mistreat women. This isn’t a guy you want to stick around with.

Be strong and let him suffer the heartache, not the other way around.

EDDIE SAYS:

Not everybody who cheats will cheat again. But a guy who cheated on you several times -- including just recently -- shows no signs of changing, whatever words he said to you.

But that's not your real problem. You believe you are in a relationship that doesn't exist with a man who exists only in fantasy.

Because you feel something -- which can't be controlled -- with this guy, you convince yourself he's someone he isn't. You think, "I wouldn't fall in love with a slimeball, so he must not be a slimeball." And you stick to the fallacy that he's a great guy who just somehow keeps making mistakes, rather than admit to yourself you are wrong. He's just not a great guy, at least at being a loyal boyfriend.

So, on top of that, you choose to believe in the wonderful relationship you have. While you think you have a loving, committed relationship with a true partner, he thinks he's got some woman he has to try to appease enough that she'll stick around.

Until you accept that the things you think you have don't exist, you'll probably keep holding on and keep getting hurt.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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