My buddy in Sacramento, Jim, recently wrote me to ask a question about my column:
"When are you going to stop this propagandistic sham of showing your reading public a quizzical and bemusing picture of a clean-shaven, clean-cut Mr. Cope and show them the real Unabomber physiognomy of dishevelment that greets your friends and co-workers on a daily basis?"
I had to look up
physiognomy.
Basically, Jim is asking why the picture that you see attached to my column every other Tuesday (above, left) doesn't actually look much like the bloke that currently answers to my name.
That bloke is pictured to the right.
The reason I haven't updated the picture is because I don't care.
Arguably, another good reason would be that I probably wouldn't want people to know that I look like that.
It's actually an improvement. For a while, I had this weird, long goatee-thing going that prompted one of San Diego's more notoriously intellect-challenged news anchors to stop me one day and ask:
"Chris, I've been meaning to ask you -- are you Amish?"
Nope. I'm not Amish, and, quite frankly, I don't think I look like a terrorist, either. I prefer to see a resemblance to Welsh rocker
Stuart Cable.
And I am a staunch follower of Stuart's hair-care advice: "Just leave it grow."
But I have a secret to tell you. Make sure no one's looking over your shoulder and press close to the computer screen -- between you and me, I'm lying.
Indeed, any time a man tells you that he doesn't care about his looks, he is lying, lying, lying. I am sure some women have suspected this for a long time.
There is a male equivalent to the notorious question: "Does my butt look big in this?"
It occurs when a man quickly glances in a mirror, usually scowling as if he has just stepped on a tack in church, and says: "Does this look right?"
When we ask this question, we are really asking one of two other questions.
The first question is: "Does this make you swoon like a teenage girl at a Backstreet Boys concert?"
Unfortunately, we have already guessed the answer to that question by the time we ask it, and are just drawing attention to ourselves just in case.
If a woman is not trying to take the clothes off a man, he makes the assumption that his clothes are not sexy. In the male mind, the sexiness of an article of clothing is directly proportionate to the amount of time that article of clothing is worn.
In other words, the better we think our wives/girlfriends look in something, the less time we will want our wives/girlfriends to actually wear that something.
We assume that the female mind works the same way. So, if I have gotten to the point where I have to ask my wife, "Does this look right?" obviously it doesn't, as far as I'm concerned.
So the question then takes on another meaning.
The second question that we are really asking is: "Does this look threatening?"
If I can't look sexy, I at least want to look dangerous.
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the modern male existence is the fact that most of the clothes they sell us these days do not simultaneously meet these two male requirements.
Last week I was at a store and it was littered with tight, light-color, short-sleeve button-up shirts. Those don't make me look like I could win a fight! Then, well into an evening with my wife when I am still wearing one of the stupid things, I am left with the realization that I just look like a doofus.
And that is why so many men opt for a third look: the "I don't care" look.
At first glance, the "I don't care" look can be deceiving -- it may look like a male really doesn't care. But if he doesn't care, why is he wearing a T-shirt with a band's name on it? Those shirts cost $24 -- you can buy four shirts at Wal-Mart for $8.
If he really doesn't care, why does he wear the same shoes as all the other guys who don't care?
In fact, he does care. He just doesn't want you to know. This is the look that I currently employ.
So the obvious answer to the question of why I don't use a recent picture with this column is this:
I don't think it looks right.
Chris Cope is married, with no children. His column appears every other Tuesday. Distributed by Internet Broadcasting Systems, Inc. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
