Dear DoubleTake,
I am 44 and my boyfriend is 40. He lives in a back house behind his mother.
When I asked what we were going to do for Memorial Day, he was a little hesitant. Then he said, "My mother invited my daughter's mom."
I replied, "Oh, I take it I'm not invited."
He got irritated and said that was his mother's doing, not his. But he also didn't bother to invite me.
We have been together for two years. His daughter is 12 years old.
I feel that he should have mention to his mother, "I'll call my girlfriend and invite her, too," so that his mother would know he's no longer with this other woman and that he wants to respect me and invite me.
His mother and I are cordial when we come into contact.
Am I wrong to think that he should have spoke up to him mom?

BETTY SAYS:

If your boyfriend still lives with his mother, he's got to follow her lead and her rules.

It's likely that your boyfriend's mother was trying to avoid an awkward situation by not inviting you personally to the holiday celebration. She's the hostess. She may foresee conflict by having her son, her son's girlfriend and her grandchild's mother at her house all at once.

Your boyfriend could have mentioned something to his mother about having you come along, but he doesn't want to jeopardize his room. Don't count on him speaking up to his mother about this situation or anything else that might involve her or the house. He's too dependent on her.

So you have to make the call: Stay with a guy who has no independence, or be gracious and forgetful when you're slighted from his mom's parties.

EDDIE SAYS:

I don't see a lack of respect here. I see a lack of agreement on expectations and communication.

You think that you have the kind of relationship where you can assume you spend all holidays together. He clearly doesn't think so, otherwise he would have included you in the plans before you had to go asking.

Should he have talked to his mother? Maybe, if he knew that you would want to be with him that day. He doesn't seem to get that. (Or, if he just wanted some time with his daughter, he wasn't wise enough to anticipate that the situation would bother you.)

So, before talking to him about what he should have done differently, you probably need to have a bigger talk with him about what kind of relationship you think you have -- and what kind he thinks you have -- and come to some agreement on that.

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