Dear DoubleTake,
I am 35 and my fiancee is 37. We have been together for more nearly three years.
My mom dislikes my fiancé because I left home to live with her and her kids.
My mom has been divorced twice and it seems she doesn't want to see me happy and in love.
My fiancee has kids I adore very much.
What can I do to change how she feels about my future wife?

BETTY SAYS:

Sooner or later -- on your wedding day, that is -- your mother must face the facts that she's not the No. 1 woman in your life anymore. But don't tell her that. What she needs is some positive persuasion.

Invite your mother over for dinner at least once a week so that she can get to know her future grandchildren and daughter-in-law better. If she refuses, offer up another activity she might enjoy that includes everyone.

If that goes well, you may want to offer to pay for a spa day for your mother and your future wife so that they can get to know each other better over mani-pedis. It's an incentive for bonding, and it can't hurt.

Include your mother any way that you can. Two divorces and an empty nest have likely left her with an empty feeling, so now's the time to convince her that happier days are ahead.

The most important thing is to stay positive, smile and let your mother know that she's loved and needed by everyone in the family. When she recipocates, the healing will begin.

EDDIE SAYS:

You have a very high hurdle to overcome here. This goes beyond the usual "My little baby bird is leaving the nest" squawking.

You are 35 and are just now getting out on your own? I can see how, after three-and-a-half decades of having you under her wing you mother doesn't know how to accept a new situation. So it turns to anger.

Clutching everyone together could bring you together, but you may actually have to create some distance first so your mother can get over any brooding she has to do about you flying the coop, and you and your new family learn to fly solo for a bit.

After you have established your own lifes and routines, maybe you can come together with a new understanding of the new pecking order.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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