Dear DoubleTake,
I am dating a man who I have known for 40 years.
We started seeing each other romantically about a year ago, after his wife passed away. He wanted to get married right away, but I knew it was his loneliness speaking and told him we should wait.
Now that I'm ready to make a go of it, he has decided I should try to find a job and a place to live in his city. I think he just wants me available for booty calls but doesn't really want to commit to a monogamous relationship. Now that he's finished grieving, he's starting to enjoy his freedom and doesn't want me moving in and cramping his style.
I'm not moving any time soon, but I wonder if I should keep seeing him on a limited basis. We were flying back and forth to see each other, each paying for half the airfare and have taken a few vacations together.
Should I stop flying there and just let him make the effort to come see me?

EDDIE SAYS:

You handled this relationship very well. Let things progress a bit when the time was right, but did not jump forward so quickly that you rushed into a mistake and made a hard time worse.

Now, this guy wants you to take a big leap without much clear benefit. It shows wisdom that you don't want to consider that until things get settled.

But you don't have to choose yet if this means ending what you have. Because what you have sounds pretty good for a mature person who has done things the traditional way. Dating and going steady and moving in and getting engaged and whatnot makes for a nice system, and it still works well for younger people (even if my use of the phrase "going steady" make it seem hopelessly out of date).

As it stands, you get a trip every so often and you must have a good time on those visits, or you would stop paying for them. You don't sound anxious to get into an exclusive relationship, and you don't think that's what he wants right now, either.

You both get freedom and the good parts of a relationship. It sounds like it works for everyone, so don't get in a hurry to make changes. Don't move, but don't force a false "friend or spouses" choice.

BETTY SAYS:

It's difficult to change roles in a relationship. That's why you feel slighted about his newfound freedom and are questioning his motives for companionship.

For now, go back to being friends and try to leave behind any expectations for future romance.

Let another year pass, then see how you both feel. After all, if you've known each other for 40 years, it won't be difficult to regain your lasting friendship.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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