Dear Double Take,
I used to get along with my in-laws ... until the wedding. Little things kept increasing in occurrence up until the wedding, and then out of nowhere, my soon-to-be mother-in-law called and said she wasn't coming to the wedding. She did, of course, but never gave us a reason for not wanting to attend.
I dismissed all the petty pre-wedding stunts, but I could not ignore the things she did after the wedding. The first 11 days we were married, she caused three major fights between her and us. She called and made up lies -- for example, she said we told an uncle that lives near us that my in-laws didn't love us, etc. She told us that we should spend the money they gave us for our wedding gift how she wanted us to.
My mother-in-law does this to her daughter and other daughter-in-law frequently and will call one and lie about what the other said about her. It's a cycle with them, and they have told me they don't really know how to stop it because they don't want to hurt her feelings. I just don't understand how it became acceptable with them to let her just make up lies and disrupt their homes. It's now been over a year since her last big performance and I still can't get over it.
Part of me thinks I need to try and let it go -- after all, we only live 20 minutes apart -- but none of the other in-laws in the family will answer the phone when she calls, and we all make our spouses (her children) deal with her, so I know it isn't just me. My father-in-law used to be his own person, but now just seems to go along with whatever my mother-in-law wants.
I am not typically a person that holds grudges, but I almost feel that if I get close to her again, she will feel free to behave this way again. Am I hanging on to this for too long?

ALANA SAYS:

It sounds like your mother-in-law is very manipulative -- and she's used to her manipulation working.

You've taken a stand, though. You recognized what she was doing and you're holding her at arm's length. I don't think that's a bad thing -- and I don't think you need to change, as long as you aren't letting it affect your husband's relationship with his mom.

But "not letting her back in" doesn't have to mean ignoring her phone calls. You can answer them and just be polite -- no matter what she says. If she starts in on who said what about whom, just give her a generic "uh-huh" and change the subject -- or say you have to go. That way, you're opening the door to her if she behaves herself, but you're not putting up with her manipulation.

At family events, take the same tactic -- just don't listen to her tales. When she starts down an ugly path, walk away or change the subject. If she insists, calmly tell her, "I don't want to hear about it. So, how's Uncle Joe doing?" In any case, don't get worked up and don't get defensive. That's just playing her game.

EDDIE SAYS:

What Alana's saying often works with bullies. If you're not intimidated and don't play along, eventually they get bored and move on to someone who gives the "proper" reaction.

Not that all relationships need to be calculated power plays, but with someone who tries to be disruptive, creating distance and coolness on your part may be the only way to rein them in.

Congrats on finding a way to lessen her impact on your life without having to do anything drastic like make threats or vow never to be in the same room with her.

You've done all you can, and things aren't so bad now. We hope that hearing that from others will help you let go of some of your anger, even if you shouldn't really let down your defenses.

Dear Double Take,
I have been dating my boyfriend for close to six years, and we have a young son together.
Last year, we decided to move in together. Things were good at first, but then it seemed to change. He began to go to his friend's house a lot to hang out and started spending less time with me.
He often acts as if everything I do or say annoys him, and we bicker over silly things quite a bit. In the past, he has done things that have compromised our relationship, but we have worked through them and I have tried to look past these things so we could stay together.
I understand that he works a lot and does a lot for us, but I also work, go to school and take care of our son. When I get home, I do things around the house or with the baby, and when he gets home, he wants to do what he wants.
I love my boyfriend and have tried to talk to him about working on making more time for each other and working on the things that create arguments, but he always says we will and nothing ever changes.
I want us to be happy together for each other and for our son. Is there any advice you can give me?

EDDIE SAYS:

It sounds as if you have handled this as well as could be expected so far. You feel frustrated, with good reason, and you try to talk it out.

But men ... well, men just aren't really good at listening. At least, we're not really good at hearing things that we don't want to.

Often, our talent lies in knowing what you want to hear and agreeing to work on what you want. (No, this isn't a major talent.) Generally, this does not come from a desire to sneak things past you or maintain the status quo.

We just don't want to be in trouble, so we say whatever it takes to defuse the situation.

However, when you repeat things gently, over time and with only an occasional strong condemnation, we can learn to change our behavior, especially if we're rewarded for figuring out what to do (or you give precise directions we can follow).

For example, "I need more help around here" means nothing to us. "I'd like it if you'd make sure to do at least one load of laundry a week," can be processed.

At least, that's how it worked for my wife.

ALANA SAYS:

You've done the first big thing to tackle this situation: You've communicated your concerns. That's great -- keep the communication going.

But specifics are definitely a good idea. Maybe the two of you can come up with a schedule for everyday tasks -- you handle dinner Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and he takes Tuesdays and Thursdays. Whoever isn't doing dinner is in charge of putting your son to bed. You do the cleaning, he does the laundry. Be sure to schedule time for fun things, too -- both together and apart. Write it all down together and stick it on the fridge.

Of course, a schedule like this is subject to change. Just make sure that when that happens, you reschedule them evenly, so you're not stuck with the brunt of the work.

If your boyfriend resists this kind of plan, you need to let him know how important this is to you -- but don't do that by scolding or breaking down. Stay calm and rational, and encourage his ideas for solving the problem.