Professor Wrestling: 'Worst Of' Edition
The Worst Of Everything
Class is in session, time to listen up. This week, the professor took a few minutes to ponder the worst of professional wrestling. Let's face it, as great as the circus is, there's a lot of dopey stuff has gone on over the years. Why now? Why not. The Prof. is a bit bored with the business, and going negative is always good column fodder. Ready or not, here's what I think:
Worst Gimmick
Easily the worst gimmick in wrestling history had to be anything that involved Sean Waltman, aka, X-Pac.He used to hit every arena to chants of "X-Pac sucks" -- not because fans felt he was a great heel, (which is why most of us shout, "You suck," at Kurt Angle) but because he actually sucked.
Looking like that guy you knew in college who wore the same shirt for all seven years he spent earning a sociology degree, X-Pac's signature move was one of the lamest in wrestling history and about as convincingly threatening as an Oreo cookie.Last I heard, he was dating Joanie "Chyna" Laurer. If this weren't a family column I might have something to say about that, as well.Dishonorable Mention: The Hurricane. If you're gonna set up a guy as a superhero, could he please win once in a while? I keep hoping for the Green Lantern or the Green Hornet to show up and plaster Hurricane all over the ring. Kato could give Rosie the whuppin' he so deeply requires.Worst Storyline
One word: Necrophilia, starring the phony corpse of Katie Vick. The HHH-Kane storyline was quickly redirected in the face of fan disgust, but still stands in my mind as the quintessential example of what is wrong with the current state of wrestling.Maybe it's just the Prof. trying to give a pro credit, but even HHH seemed a little taken aback by the proceedings. The only possible reason for the existence of the entire storyline would be the presence of the tainted tequilla on Vince's wet bar. The Prof. has drunk tainted tequila before, and, well, he used to have hair.Among non-necrophilia-related storylines, I'd have to say that the worst was the painfully long feud between Big Boss Man and the Big Show. The whole thing culminated in one of wrestling's more surreal moments: The Big Show diving onto his father's coffin as the Big Boss Man towed the coffin around a cemetery using (I am not making this up) the cop car from the "Blues Brothers" movie.As Jake would say, "I hate Illinois grave robbers."Dishonorable Mention: How about the current "Eugene" character on RAW? Didn't we do the same stupid thing with George "The Animal" Steele about 20 years ago?Of course, underneath that furry exterior George was actually a very bright guy, and a heck of a wrestler. Based on long examination, the Prof. is starting to have his doubts about Eugene. And another thing: this schtick of having Eugene "learn" other wrestlers' finishing moves and use them in the ring is just going to lead to more concussions (or worse) in the world of backyard wrestling. Think back to your teen years: if you saw a goober like Eugene pull off a Rock bottom or a pedigree, wouldn't you figure you could? Worst Worker
Sing along, to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Copacabana:"His name is Goldberg
And he is stinky.
He could only do one thing
He just cluttered up the ring.
His punches fell flat,
Wouldn't break a pinky.
He couldn't kick or bump
And from no ropes would he jump.
He need-ed help.
He made fans yelp.
I'm so Glad He's Gone!
Dishonorable Mentions: The Big Show. The Giant. Paul Wight. Call him want you want, but he is terrible in the ring. Oh yeah, so is Kevin Nash, now starring in "The Punisher." Hulk Hogan didn't do much either. Nor did Scott Steiner, which was a terrible waste of talent. Worst Tag Team
X-Pac and anyone. This is primarily due to the presence of X-Pac.As far as non-X-Pac-related tag teams are concerned, I'd say that honor goes to the Nasty Boys. You've probably banished these mullet-sporting losers from your memory but they still plague me like a bowl of week-old chili. Dishonorable Mentions: The Dudley Boys. God, are they dull. Paul Heyman even challenged them on "Smackdown!" a few weeks ago to do something extreme like they used to in their ECW days. Their response? I'm still waiting. They're over. So are Rikishi and Scottie Too Hottie, with his goofy how-can-this-hurt-even-my-mom move, "the worm." But since they're "over" with crowds, Vince let 'em wear tag team titles. Business must be slow. The Prof., being a person of some stature, is tempted to form a team with Willy The Mailboy and challenge for the titles.Worst Outfits
Again I have to reach back a few years, to the heyday of the Blue Meanie. Effectively his outfit was a pair of cutoff shorts, a midriff T-shirt and his enormous beer-gut.The Blue Meanie is rivaled in this category by Vampiro, Doink the Clown, and Shark Boy (you've probably never heard of this last guy -- he wrestles in the Heartland Wrestling Association -- his costume is exactly what the name implies).Dishonorable mention:The Hurricane and Rosie. Once again, guy in cheesy superhero costume - loses all the time. Drives me crazy. As for Rosie, good God almighty. You might as well put him in a potato sack. The fact that Rosie could pick Hurricane up and snap him like a twig gives the whole thing the air of some bizarre elephant-tamer act. I keep expecting Rosie to jump up on a stool and trumpet.Worst Announcer
Raven. While I think we all enjoyed that American-Revolution-patriot-meets-Groundskeeper-Willie outfit he was sporting, the coolness and oddity didn't translate in verbal form. Despite his gimmick of being a somewhat cerebral fella, and regardless of the match before him, Raven always seemed to be voicing the most boring match in wrestling history.
Dishonorable Mention: Michael Cole. While he has gotten better lately, this guy was clueless out of the gate, and Tazz has carried him since day one. Vince McMahon has to stop hiring guys who don't know a thing about announcing, hoping they'll get better as time goes on.The Prof. would like to point out to Mr. McMahon that he is very photogenic and well-spoken, and wouldn't be above the occasional non-threatening staged match to liven things up. Worst Manager
I'm going to ruffle some feathers here, but the worst manager I can think of has to be Paul Bearer -- especially in the days when he would deliver his monologues in that high-pitch, whining voice.Not only was it difficult to listen to, it was difficult to watch. His face has a tendency to go beet red when he speaks and I find myself thinking: "Oh no, I'm about to watch a man have a heart attack on television. This is not good."Dishonorable Mention: Precious Paul Ellering. Again, ruffling feathers. The point here is that the Road Warriors were so great at what they did, Paul didn't have much to do all those years. Worst Female:
I'd have to say the worst female in the wrestling world has to be Terri Runnels. I can think of only two things that she has going for her -- both of which were provided by a plastic surgeon. She has no in-ring ability, she is entirely unlikable, and has microphone skills that make Funaki seem Shakespearean.Dishonorable Mentions: Nicole Bass and the way-past-their-peak manifestations of the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young (remember when she gave birth to a hand?) It seems Vince keeps bringing back Moolah and Mae as some sort of homage to the past of women's wrestling, but WE GET THE POINT! Let these poor women retire.Worst Heavyweight Champion
One of the low points in wrestling history was when WCW blew a moron chip and put the belt on actor David Arquette. Sure, it was short-lived, but what a morale killer for the other actors in the back who actually had wrestling experience. But on the other hand, you can make the case that Arquette is living a dream life. Let's see, you're a millionaire movie star, you're married to Courtney Cox and you just happen to be a civilian with a coveted wrestling title. Anyone jealous out there?Dishonorable Mention: Mick Foley. Only because his reign with the WWF belt was so short. That really frosted me. Foley was one of the all-time greats, who loved the business and should have been treated with more respect.OK class, now it's your turn. I've had my say, what are your thoughts for the "Worst Ever" in the world of pro wrestling? You can add to the categories listed in this column, or make up your own -- either way. The best stuff will be printed in an upcoming column. Just send 'em right here.That's it, class dismissed.
Worst GimmickEasily the worst gimmick in wrestling history had to be anything that involved Sean Waltman, aka, X-Pac.He used to hit every arena to chants of "X-Pac sucks" -- not because fans felt he was a great heel, (which is why most of us shout, "You suck," at Kurt Angle) but because he actually sucked.
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One word: Necrophilia, starring the phony corpse of Katie Vick. The HHH-Kane storyline was quickly redirected in the face of fan disgust, but still stands in my mind as the quintessential example of what is wrong with the current state of wrestling.Maybe it's just the Prof. trying to give a pro credit, but even HHH seemed a little taken aback by the proceedings. The only possible reason for the existence of the entire storyline would be the presence of the tainted tequilla on Vince's wet bar. The Prof. has drunk tainted tequila before, and, well, he used to have hair.Among non-necrophilia-related storylines, I'd have to say that the worst was the painfully long feud between Big Boss Man and the Big Show. The whole thing culminated in one of wrestling's more surreal moments: The Big Show diving onto his father's coffin as the Big Boss Man towed the coffin around a cemetery using (I am not making this up) the cop car from the "Blues Brothers" movie.As Jake would say, "I hate Illinois grave robbers."Dishonorable Mention: How about the current "Eugene" character on RAW? Didn't we do the same stupid thing with George "The Animal" Steele about 20 years ago?Of course, underneath that furry exterior George was actually a very bright guy, and a heck of a wrestler. Based on long examination, the Prof. is starting to have his doubts about Eugene. And another thing: this schtick of having Eugene "learn" other wrestlers' finishing moves and use them in the ring is just going to lead to more concussions (or worse) in the world of backyard wrestling. Think back to your teen years: if you saw a goober like Eugene pull off a Rock bottom or a pedigree, wouldn't you figure you could? Worst Worker
Sing along, to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Copacabana:"His name is Goldberg
And he is stinky.
He could only do one thing
He just cluttered up the ring.
His punches fell flat,
Wouldn't break a pinky.
He couldn't kick or bump
And from no ropes would he jump.
He need-ed help.
He made fans yelp.
I'm so Glad He's Gone!
Dishonorable Mentions: The Big Show. The Giant. Paul Wight. Call him want you want, but he is terrible in the ring. Oh yeah, so is Kevin Nash, now starring in "The Punisher." Hulk Hogan didn't do much either. Nor did Scott Steiner, which was a terrible waste of talent. Worst Tag Team
X-Pac and anyone. This is primarily due to the presence of X-Pac.As far as non-X-Pac-related tag teams are concerned, I'd say that honor goes to the Nasty Boys. You've probably banished these mullet-sporting losers from your memory but they still plague me like a bowl of week-old chili. Dishonorable Mentions: The Dudley Boys. God, are they dull. Paul Heyman even challenged them on "Smackdown!" a few weeks ago to do something extreme like they used to in their ECW days. Their response? I'm still waiting. They're over. So are Rikishi and Scottie Too Hottie, with his goofy how-can-this-hurt-even-my-mom move, "the worm." But since they're "over" with crowds, Vince let 'em wear tag team titles. Business must be slow. The Prof., being a person of some stature, is tempted to form a team with Willy The Mailboy and challenge for the titles.Worst Outfits
Again I have to reach back a few years, to the heyday of the Blue Meanie. Effectively his outfit was a pair of cutoff shorts, a midriff T-shirt and his enormous beer-gut.The Blue Meanie is rivaled in this category by Vampiro, Doink the Clown, and Shark Boy (you've probably never heard of this last guy -- he wrestles in the Heartland Wrestling Association -- his costume is exactly what the name implies).Dishonorable mention:The Hurricane and Rosie. Once again, guy in cheesy superhero costume - loses all the time. Drives me crazy. As for Rosie, good God almighty. You might as well put him in a potato sack. The fact that Rosie could pick Hurricane up and snap him like a twig gives the whole thing the air of some bizarre elephant-tamer act. I keep expecting Rosie to jump up on a stool and trumpet.Worst Announcer
Raven. While I think we all enjoyed that American-Revolution-patriot-meets-Groundskeeper-Willie outfit he was sporting, the coolness and oddity didn't translate in verbal form. Despite his gimmick of being a somewhat cerebral fella, and regardless of the match before him, Raven always seemed to be voicing the most boring match in wrestling history.
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Pro Wrestling TorchI'm going to ruffle some feathers here, but the worst manager I can think of has to be Paul Bearer -- especially in the days when he would deliver his monologues in that high-pitch, whining voice.Not only was it difficult to listen to, it was difficult to watch. His face has a tendency to go beet red when he speaks and I find myself thinking: "Oh no, I'm about to watch a man have a heart attack on television. This is not good."Dishonorable Mention: Precious Paul Ellering. Again, ruffling feathers. The point here is that the Road Warriors were so great at what they did, Paul didn't have much to do all those years. Worst Female:
I'd have to say the worst female in the wrestling world has to be Terri Runnels. I can think of only two things that she has going for her -- both of which were provided by a plastic surgeon. She has no in-ring ability, she is entirely unlikable, and has microphone skills that make Funaki seem Shakespearean.Dishonorable Mentions: Nicole Bass and the way-past-their-peak manifestations of the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young (remember when she gave birth to a hand?) It seems Vince keeps bringing back Moolah and Mae as some sort of homage to the past of women's wrestling, but WE GET THE POINT! Let these poor women retire.Worst Heavyweight Champion
One of the low points in wrestling history was when WCW blew a moron chip and put the belt on actor David Arquette. Sure, it was short-lived, but what a morale killer for the other actors in the back who actually had wrestling experience. But on the other hand, you can make the case that Arquette is living a dream life. Let's see, you're a millionaire movie star, you're married to Courtney Cox and you just happen to be a civilian with a coveted wrestling title. Anyone jealous out there?Dishonorable Mention: Mick Foley. Only because his reign with the WWF belt was so short. That really frosted me. Foley was one of the all-time greats, who loved the business and should have been treated with more respect.OK class, now it's your turn. I've had my say, what are your thoughts for the "Worst Ever" in the world of pro wrestling? You can add to the categories listed in this column, or make up your own -- either way. The best stuff will be printed in an upcoming column. Just send 'em right here.That's it, class dismissed.
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