Anyone can make New Year's resolutions for themselves. I've done it myself from time to time. Of course, being a person of flawless resolve and iron will, I always succeed.

Really. Honest. That's why I'm thin, in shape, out of debt and in close touch with all my far-flung family members.

So, since I've been so tremendously successful with my own resolutions, and since my own life is such a shining example of rectitude and probity, this year I've decided to make resolutions for other people and institutions that are in sore need of assistance.

If the objects of these resolutions take heed, I have no doubt that 2010 will be referred to in the future as the year in which suddenly everything went right and humanity as a whole ascended to a higher plane of thought.

And we'll all get free beer.

Ready? Let's begin.

James Cameron: James resolves to never, ever make the public wait so bloody long for a movie ever again. In fact, he promises to get right to work on the sequel to "Avatar" and not emerge from his editing suite except to get food and attend to bodily functions until it is done. My good friends Guido and Nunzio, who by virtue of being shaped like soda machines are good at such things, are going to stand right outside the door of the editing suite to help James stay focused on his work.

Tiger Woods: Tiger resolves to resume dating, but to confine his romantic activities to young ladies who have proven themselves to be tabloid fodder in the past. The reasoning for this is simple: A torrid love triangle between Tiger, Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson would offer so many rich muckraking opportunities that the brain cells of every writer for US Weekly, OK!, The Star, National Enquirer and the rest of the rags will overload and ooze from their ears. The best defense is to be tremendously offensive, I always say.

McDonald's: The biggest fast-food chain in the known universe resolves to stop trying to nimbly cover every culinary trend by repurposing existing foodstuffs in bizarre new ways and get back to shoveling Big Macs and those highly addictive fries out the drive-through window as fast as possible. The Fry Chute, which will extend to fill back seats, trunks or truck beds with fries by the pound, will debut in mid-June. Plans for the Cajun-spice Tofu Snack Wrap and the Pomegranate-Acai Berry Shake will be permanently shelved.

Fark: Fark creator Drew Curtis resolves to greenlight every Weird Chronicles column. Furthermore, he resolves to make every day Caturday, thus allowing LOLcats to continue to take over the Internet.

Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles resolve to finally get their act together and win me a Super Bowl. After Guido and Nunzio are finished helping James Cameron, they will be going to the Eagles training camp to help motivate players who might be tempted to give less than their full effort at all times. Tasers may be used.

David Letterman: Dave resolves to never, no matter how much money he is offered, take a prime-time show over his late-night gig. No matter how much fun he has poked at CBS for not offering him a show like Leno's, we all know Dave belongs after the late news. Having a prime-time show would force him to become somewhat perkier, and if there's one thing the world does not need, it's Perky Dave. He furthermore resolves that, should he decide to leave his show, it will be given over to Jon Stewart. If Jon is unavailable, that hour of programming will be filled with "CSI" reruns or something similar.

Mike Rowe: The host of "Dirty Jobs" and narrator of "Deadliest Catch" resolves to combine the two shows in a series of one-hour specials during which he takes the crews of Alaskan king crab fishing vessels along for tasks like cleaning pig stalls and retrieving dead animals from under houses. We'll see how tough Sig and Edgar Hansen and the Hillstrand clan are when they've got possum guts on their fingers. The first episode should set dual records for most bleeps and most quarts of on-screen vomit.

GEICO: The insurance giant resolves to finally realize that the "caveman" commercials stopped being funny or useful years ago and retire them. Perhaps one final commercial could show a caveman shaving off his facial hair and getting a job running the Fry Chute at McDonald's.

Vampires: The Lords of the Night resolve to stop being so girly and get back to biting necks, turning into bats and generally being evil creatures. Sparkling, moaning, longing and being maudlin will not be tolerated.

Facebook: Facebook resolves to take on even more games that will require your humble scribe's attention, thus guaranteeing that this will be the last Weird Chronicles ever written. Farmville, Mafia Wars and Texas hold'em don't eat up quite enough of my time, as I still manage to play with my sons and occasionally socialize with other adults in real life.

Bacon: There is no resolution necessary for this most perfect of foodstuffs. Bacon exists, and for that I am thankful every minute of every day.

There may be further resolutions as the year goes on, and I will be sure to share them with you when they are imposed.

Got a question? Comment? Spare bucket of money? Drop me a line, anytime!